Vulnerability versus performativity

I have taken a bit of a break from doing submissive work; however, some life changes have allowed me a little more time to myself, and so I am back in the saddle. I wanted to chat a little about what it means to be dominant and what we think, in a professional exchange, a session needs to be a dominant one. Firstly, nerves often dictate a lot of new professional engagement, and unlike straight sex services, kink bookings almost always bring with them a more nuanced anxiety around expectations. Most of my Dom clients will have spent significant time on my website and socials, studying my interests and forming their expectations and hopes from these sources. I think because I have been around a long time and I am fairly accomplished in both the level of discipline that I can take and in my enjoyment of psychological disempowerment, then new Masters may feel pressure to meet this intensity, however, this is not the case! In my consent to professional submission lies the knowledge that I am providing a platform for novices and individuals of all elks to explore the taboo nature of sadism and sexual power roles over women. This can be entirely flirtatious too, and doesn’t need to involve being mean and nasty, forceful, manhandling and rough, but can be the mere act of just verbalising what it is that you sexually want. This is a great place to begin, and we can do this together— this is the part that is often misunderstood with professional service providers. I am here to both guide and learn with you.

For me, vulnerability is the cornerstone of all scenes, and vulnerability is not something that can be obtained through the occasional session with a worker. The tools to truly allow your submissive to feel vulnerable, and therefore generate an authentic response are learned over time, this is why professional relationships often have to be performative. I have had a number of BDSM relationships in my personal life that were extremely intense, and D/s driven. These all began in obscurity and escalated over many years. The time is an important consideration in this for time is what allows us to think, fantasise and plan according to our bodies reactions and response deciding which direction we want to pursue, and which direction we want to avoid. Pro-submission necessitates a level of CNC (consensual non-consent) in that being pushed and challenged for the enjoyment of an individual (often a stranger) is not just the means, it is the ends. It is in this surrender that the Dom finds their taboo and sexual pleasure. Liberation even. And we chase this to the nth degree. I have experienced the full resolution of this in my personal life. Being trained to to take punishment so severe I used to cry my eyes out, but then I became obsessed with it. When my Master was away I would lie in bed at night, unable to sleep, visualising him punishing me. It was like a full body and spirit arousal; an addiction for sure. In our play I would beg him to take up a run up and hit me as hard as he could with the cane. I found total liberation in this too, as well as a fierce sexual awakening that didn’t require my orgasm to complete. Only to obey, and do exactly as I was told. Because of the extent of my vulnerability, and the intensity of the love we had cultivated through such scenes it was wildly satisfying and devastating in the way that only kink sessions can bring. 

Transference of vulnerability to my professional life.

When I was deep into this lifestyle submission I was also working a lot as a pro-submissive and taking multiple heavy discipline sessions in a week. I think there was a level of transference, or perhaps an embodiment of my submission during that time that I brought into my work. As a polyamorous person I am finding that I take the love cultivated in one relationship into my new relationships. This plurality of love, and in turn intimacy, also makes its way into my practice. While this can be a beautiful accessory for my clients, some new lovers can find it confronting. Entering into new (vanilla and non) relationships always comes with insecurity and caution, and I guess charging head first with all emotions on the table can be confronting for a new party if inexperienced. Especially in this tinder-era, where lovers/ dates seems to be a mere accessory to atomised carnal pleasures; the notion of intimacy and ‘feelings’ too risky to even warrant consideration. But if you accept that this risk is the trade off for meaningful sexual experiences, (i.e. better sex/orgasm/intensity/connection)  then you will come armed with the ability to accept rejection, knowing this to be an essential requirement to reach the state of vulnerability that underlies all BDSM scenes, therefore reifying those fantastical, vivid fantasies into meaningful and genuinely transformative sexual love. 

SO, to summarise… I guess the notion of performativity of submission and vulnerability is unavoidable in professional BDSM, and also in lifestyle BDSM scenes where the two players have no established emotional connection. With new Masters we often discuss ‘chemistry’ and ‘connection’, and the desire to have intense sexual exchanges with strangers/ new partners/ new service providers is not always as easy to play out in the dungeon as it is in our minds. But the key to establishing this connection lies in the time we spend apart from one another; the cultivating of the bond. The thinking, and developing of connection, the communication of experience between the two parties. The reflection about what felt good and what felt awkward, what felt genuine and what felt performative. Take those uncomfortable pauses as a moment to reevaluate. Maybe do some research and ask some questions, perhaps even watching clips of others playing may help? Seeing a Pro-Domme for Master training sessions, or attending a kink workshop. All of this facilitates the unravelling about our expectations of ourselves when in control of a scene, and recognising that it is ok to start being unsure, as long as we engage with each other, and with patience we will get to place where the heavier stuff can become second nature. This building or becoming process is so important, and what defines us as liberated, mature, adults is the knowledge that we have forever to perfect our craft should we tread carefully enough with each new inception.

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