I am back from my brief sojourn in London where I expected to get beaten severely by someone that I love.
It wasn’t to be the case however as I had the busiest week of my life (aside from touring) getting caned, tortured, tied up, electrocuted, humiliated… and pleasured. I found my limit. I saw a new Master who wanted heavy but didn’t want to dominate me. I find this very hard and what I enjoy the most is knowing I am satisfying my Master under his control. This was the last session on the day I was due to fly to London. I do not see new Masters often and had taken at least 150 strokes of the cane in the 5 days leading up to this not-so-great session. I enjoy punishment that is measured, controlled and that escalates allowing me to build up slowly, warm up and relax. There is little trust with a new Master as there is no history and everything is an open book waiting to be written. I know I can take heavy discipline – I take it constantly in my personal life so I am confident that I can consent to it at work. Previously I had declined heavy bookings as I wasn’t certain I could provide the level of service required and lets face it, I’m here to please not to disappoint (I take it personally if I am not able to provide for a Master).
So I went to London to see my Master with whom I knew could reignite me. Sometimes you can spend so much time in sub space that you lose the pleasure receptors and just seek out the pain as boundaries seem limitless. This is not good. If there is no pleasure in taking pain then it’s all pointless. I spent a long long time doing sub work for the money – because it was my chosen profession. Today I am a full time lifestyle submissive and I have enough experience to know what I will enjoy and what I won’t. I need to be careful as taking on too much work can lead to burnout. This particular week I over did the breast torture and feel like it’s gone from my repertoire, at least until I manage to rewrite the experience to a pleasant one and create new memories I need to abstain.
I concede that it was an appalling decision to present to my Master a burnt out and dishevelled woman after weeks apart. He accepted me warmly and we began the process of rebuilding me emotionally and switching me back on sexually. He will always be home to me – open arms, a warm bubble bath, a good meal, a foot rub, loving for days. The real balance and equity I need to survive a profession based on endorphin abuse and physical limits.
Today I was able to please him after taking 12 hard cold strokes of the cane. I did not move an inch and felt it was the punishment I desperately required and that he desperately deserved. After today I think I’d like to train for a judicial caning which has always been a fantasy but something that petrifies me.